


Letters to the Snow

by Gadhar



Category: The Expendables (Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-26
Updated: 2015-09-26
Packaged: 2018-04-23 12:41:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4877236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gadhar/pseuds/Gadhar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I apologize if you read this before I fixed the formatting. It was a long process. It took an hour. I'm pissed about it but whatever it's correct finally.</p><p>Disclaimer: I do not own Expendables. Or Mai. I totally stole Mai, with permission from PastelWonder. Brilliant author if you readers ever need someone new to read diligently.</p></blockquote>





	Letters to the Snow

May 13

_~~It’s Monday~~ _

_~~Toll threw this out there the other day, the fucking id~~ _

_~~I miss you~~ _

_This is stupid what the hell am I even_

 

May 22

_I’m going to try again. I just…nothing’s the same._

 

June 15

_So what am I supposed to write? Do you know? The weather’s nice, I guess. Hot as hell. Ain’t nothing on T.V. like usual. That book I was reading last, the one with sexist author as you say I_

 

June 17

_Sorry._

 

July 17

_It’s been awhile, I know. Tool…Tool’s been helping with Mai. She’s okay. Just so you know. I’m not, nothing happened okay? I swear I would never do anything to ever put her in danger I just-_

_She’s okay._

_I’m sorry._

_Please come back._

 

August 1

 _It’s been awhile, again. I know. I didn’t have any paper. Or some shit like that._

_Not that you even fucking care._

_Mai’s doing good, just so you know._

_I know you fucking know. You fucking asshole how do you just_

 

November 1

_Hey, I’ve been meaning to write. Last time was…bad_

_Shit._

_Halloween was yesterday. Mai wanted to be a ninja. You believe that? Galgo took her shopping for the costume. Tried to make her butterfly or something. But she saw these uh, these soft foam knife things and here she comes through the door, red sash and in all black._

_I think she scared some of the neighbors. We went to that place near the park for trick-or-treating, all the nice houses and shit. Just me and her. The guys wanted to go but, Gunner would scare everyone and I think I needed some Mai time._

_God I’ve been such a bastard lately. You’d kick my ass if you were here._

 

November 12

_We went to that old diner today. That one you liked. It was quiet. Even Mai. I think she knows something’s up. Smart kid. I’m trying to act like nothing’s wrong. For her, you know?_

_But she’s your kid. She ain’t stupid. She knows._

 

December 1

_Went shopping today. Tool made me. Guy seems to be throwing himself into this whole holiday thing this year._

_I appreciate it._

_We got some stuff for Mai. Clothes and stuff. Galgo said we should get her a puppy._

_I almost did. I kept thinking about that day you told me about Brain. You kept snapping at me for laughing at his name. And you told me all those stories. 12 years you had that dog._

_But then I remembered how much you cried afterwards and I couldn’t do it._

_It’s stupid I know, but right now…Maybe when she’s older. Maybe when I’m not hurting anymore._

 

December 25

_We had Christmas today. The guys came over and everything._

_I found the gift you left in the closet. You were always a sneaky bastard. When’d you manage to get that Lee? Way I remember it you were never far from either of us, me or the little tyke and yet you snuck those in right under our noses huh?_

_We haven’t opened them. We will though. Promise._

_Gunner had Mai out in the yard, building a snowman or something I don’t know. God it was crazy Lee. It started snowing out of nowhere, it was all stormy clouds and then it brightens up with the sun and then the fucking snow. In the middle of fucking Louisiana there was snow. Mai was out there, fucking beautiful Lee. She was smiling so much._

_She hasn’t smiled like that since you left._

_Tool made me sit down after that. I think I was hyperventilating. Shit Lee, that smile._

_She looked so much like you._

_I couldn’t even_

 

December 30

_I’m sorry about that last letter, I just couldn’t finish it. It’s uh, harder, than I thought it would be. A lot harder. You and your fucking stupid name. Every time somebody says it, and of course they do because it’s December it’s Christmas that word is…it’s everywhere._

_You’re everywhere._

_You know what Mai said to me the other day? She was out in the yard, throwing up snow in the air and laughing. Crazy kid. But she runs up to me, ball of snow in her tiny hands and just shouts ‘Da!’ real loud, throwing it up in the air. And she got real quiet, goes ‘it’s Da’ and then she just ran off again._

_Was it you?_

 

February 23

_I know. I stopped writing again. But I went to the grave. That counts for something, yeah? Next time I’ll bring Mai. And I’ll leave the Glenfiddich at home._

_Next time._

_It’s only been a year._

 

April 13

_I’m trying. I swear. There’s just_

_It’s peaks and valleys. It’s been a really long valley._

_But it’s warming up. I don’t have to swaddle Mai in so many damn sweaters anymore. She was so cold the other day I gave her one of yours. She was swimming in the damn thing. But she loves it._

_I think I’ll give it to her. When she’s older and can fit in it. But then, I think she’s already claimed it as hers._

_Anyway, it’s warming up. I think it’s getting better though. It’s still cold at night. I’ve been sleeping in Mai’s room. I can’t remember if I told you. Maybe you know anyway._

_Too quiet in our room._

_I never told you that either. How much noise you made. This house was never quiet._

_Our room was never quiet._

_Empty._

 

May 20

_I took Mai up to the cabin where we got married. Showed her all the pictures. She likes the one with us out in the sun. After the all the vows and shit and the guys kept making so much damn noise and we ended up outside just to get away. I remember your suit flapping in the wind, hands stuffed into your pockets. You looked so fucking beautiful. Happy._

_I miss that._

_Jesus, do I miss that._

_I think I might take her fishing tomorrow. Maybe get Caesar up here to visit to, have him chop some of the wood for the winter. I think this will be a good place to spend it this year. Just me and the kid._

_Plus she likes Caesar._

 

June 7

_I’m gettin’ a new tat. No surprise there right but, it’s a good one this time. It’s gonna be the best. And it’s nothing weird yeah, nothing like your ugly mug on my arm or some shit. That’s what Tool keeps brining up. Just to fuck with me. I don’t think I could do that. It’d be weird as shit having this thing that looks like you but ain’t._

_Shit, it’s weird sometimes just having Mai. The sass on that girl. She definitely gets it from you. Gets a lot from you, really. It’s easier, a little. I’m not hyperventilating every time I see you in her. But there’s always this knife twist. Like it’s just there, sticking out of my chest and there’s always the occasional twists but it always hurts._

_Fucking hell does it hurt._

 

June 20

_I forgot. I actually fucking forgot. I had this dream and you were there and you were just sleeping there next to me, warm and so close. And I woke up and you weren’t there and I…I went to the kitchen looking for you. But you weren’t there. So I started going towards the living room but went to Mai’s room instead. You always did that. I don’t know if you ever noticed but when you couldn’t sleep you stopped going to watch TV. You’d just stay and stare at me, guess you thought I was asleep. And then you’d go see Mai for awhile. And then come back._

_So I went there._

_I slept in her room again that night. Just when I was getting used to our room again. Just when I was getting used to being alone._

_Funny how you don’t realize how important the small things are. The quotidian._

_Learned that word from a book the other day._

_Still. I actually forgot you were gone. And when we got up a few hours later I could swear you were there. So close I could feel you._

 

June 31

_We’re school shopping. Getting everything early. Nothing’s really on sale but it’s better than dealing with the crowds. I never had much patience for them before, even less now._

_Mai’s grown out of a lot of her stuff._

_I think I might ship some of her old stuff overseas. Tool knows a guy over there, gonna hook up some of the local kids._

_She wants all this purple stuff. You remember when she used to be really into red? It’s purple now. Purple pencils and erasers. Purple crayons. I don’t know when we got to purple._

_So much damn purple._

 

September 1

_Your sweater’s purple. That’s why all the fucking purple. Shit. Should I talk to her?_

_It’s only been two weeks and everything’s falling apart. You were supposed to be here for this. For her first day of school and you fucking weren’t._

_No one ever said anything about this. They say there ain’t a manual for raising kids but there ain’t no fucking manual on how to raise your kids by yourself when your fucking husband goes and dies on you. Jesus Christ. I can’t do this._

_You’re gone. And she’s gone. It feels like time just stops and I’m stuck in this fucking hellhole where everything’s just dead and quiet._

_It’s so fucking quiet._

 

September 23

_Did you hear him the other night? Tool? He was cursing your name to the high heavens. Cursing mine too._

_It was stupid, I know. But I needed to do something._

_I know we agreed but…_

_It’s not as bad as it looks. Just a few cracked ribs. The team’s good._

_Mai hugs me like she thinks I’ll disappear again. I think I forget sometimes that we both lost you. And here I am throwing myself into the fire._

_I’m sorry. I got the spiel from Tool already, I think what cinched it though was Mai. So you don’t have to go on a rant._

_I wish you would though._

 

October 12

_We went to the park today. Just for the fresh air. I think between school and me being laid up we were getting cabin fever._

_Mai missed the park though._

_I kinda did too._

_Kid’s a speed demon like you. Had her on the merry-go-around and all you heard was “faster, faster, faster”. Kid’s nuts._

_We went for a walk after that. Just to see the leaves change. I took the camera. I know I haven’t touched the thing in a while. Not since things went to shit at least._

_I got some good pictures though. It’s beautiful this time of the year._

_There’s a really good one of Mai in a pile of leaves, big beautiful smile on her face with her hands thrown up in the air._

_I got one of the two of us as well. I think I’ll frame them both._

_That’s what I do during the day now, when Mai’s at school. I started fixing up the house and I got the shop in the back up and running. I’ll put the one in the dining room. Maybe the kitchen._

_The two of us though, that’s going in the bedroom. Right next to that photo of your bike, Mai zipped up in your jacket. I know I yelled at you that day but I don’t think I ever told you how beautiful the two of you were. And hot._

_You always looked hot holding our kid but with that damn jacket. That wasn’t anger sex that night. Though, I think you already knew._

 

December 15

_We’re heading up to the cabin this weekend. I pulled her out of school. Don’t worry about it, she’s smarter than all the other kids she won’t fall behind any._

_They don’t do much around Christmas but color trees and stuff anyway._

_I don’t know what we’ll do yet but all the guys are sending their gifts up. I keep telling Galgo to tone it down a little but he’s determined to shower her with everything that catches eye._

_It feels different without you. Our second Christmas and you’re not here._

_I think you are though, sometimes. I lost my faith somewhere in all that muck and blood so long ago but…_

_Shit I don’t know. I just think you’re there sometimes._

_I’ll meet you at the cabin._

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize if you read this before I fixed the formatting. It was a long process. It took an hour. I'm pissed about it but whatever it's correct finally.
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Expendables. Or Mai. I totally stole Mai, with permission from PastelWonder. Brilliant author if you readers ever need someone new to read diligently.


End file.
